World Suicide Prevention Day: Please Let’s Do Something

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day – a day to mindfully engage in discussion and commitment to helping reduce the number of people we lose each year to this act.

Find out more here: http://www.iasp.info/wspd/

I believe there is so much more that the trans community can be doing to prevent suicides of people struggling with gender identity.  I am just as guilty as anyone. Handwringing can only go so far.  Last weekend I started the process of volunteering for the Trevor Project.  It is a very small step but a lot of small efforts from many people can make a BIG difference.

I also think that, for those of us in the trans community, it is good for us all to stop at least this one time of year and look at how we are talking about suicide amongst ourselves. It is a subject that at times needs to be acknowledged and discussed, but when it does it must be done mindfully—both for the people who are listening to our words and also for our own selves so that we are aware of how to keep our own mental wellness when we are engaged in these conversations.

I know that some LGBT and Trans-focused organizations and individuals have done a lot of advocacy in this area year round. I have named the Trevor Project, but there are others out there.  I would appreciate it if you know of any of these resources to please reply to this thread with information as I would like to compile as many as I can and make them available online.

There are a few other things that I would like to see happen and am willing to be involved in creating if I can find a few partners.

I think someone might have already done this but I can’t find it (again—please send me links or contact info if you know where it is.)  I think that there needs to be some readily accessible guidelines for how members of the trans community might want to think about when talking about suicide.  I have watched countless threads on internet forums where a gender questioning visitor (usually a young person or, increasingly, children) will ask if they should start the process of transition. In most of these threads a number of respondents (much older adults) will immediately tell that person that they will likely get to the same point that they themselves did – ready to get a gun out and pull the trigger. I really do believe that we are helping “normalize” suicide within the trans community by speaking of it so often especially in occasions such as this. (If anyone is familiar with trans forums they will know exactly what I am talking about.)  For many, I believe that this moment of very seriously contemplating or (in many cases) attempting suicide has almost become part of the Trans Mythos – a story of rebirth out of the debris of a life that had been there before.  I am not here to discount those stories. I believe most of them are true. I even have one myself.  But I believe that for those of us in the older “trans generations” can help younger generations find a new narrative, and set a tone where suicide is not something that is presented to someone right as they are “walking in the door” as it were. Let’s be mindful in our speech.

I sometimes search for the term “detransition” on social media because that is something that I am STILL struggling through. So many of the results I get are along the lines of “I would rather kill myself than detransition”.  I totally support the right of people to say that, but just keep in mind that for someone trying to hold their detransition together seeing this stuff online does have an impact and will have consequences of one form or another.  If you need to say it, do say it.  But maybe it is something you need to be saying to a therapist instead of shouting blindly out into the internet.

A lot of trans people use social media to make suicide threats. I think it is a good thing that they are at least calling out for help. Many in the trans community rally around to assist these people in their time of crisis to keep them talking and distracted enough so that the suicidal moment will pass.  Again, I would like to see guidelines for how these conversations should be conducted.  Maybe this is already out there on the net (I know there are a number of things for the general population and I will be gathering those as well as publishing them.) If anyone has anything they can let me know about I would appreciate it.

The reason why guidelines are important here is twofold – both equally important. Firstly, it is important to know how best to interact with someone in this situation and how to make sure that they are safe and will ensure that they connect with the resources and professionals who it is critical they speak to. Secondly, and just as important, how to keep one’s self healthy in the process. Talking to someone about suicide can be extremely draining and, if not done mindfully, can seriously impact the “helper’s” own mental wellness. Boundaries are really important here. I think a lot of people don’t really take care of themselves when they are trying to help others.

One of the resources available to anyone in the US is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  Their phone number is 1-800-273-8255.  For those who are not familiar with how the crisis line operates, it is a federally funded non profit organization that serves as a coordination point for 165 independent crisis centers through out the country, fielding calls from people in crisis.  If you are trans and in crisis, this could be a good resource for you if you are unable to find anyone else to talk about.

I deliberately used the word “could” because right now I know that a lot of trans people will not call this number because they feel that the people answering the calls will not be sensitive to their trans identities.  I was curious about this so I reached out to the training department (in another lifetime I used to do training and quality control for a group of call centers so I am interested in this stuff.)  I was surprised to learn that they have not received any guidelines on how to handle trans* identified people in crisis.  (This is what I was told—if this is not the case, again someone please let me know.)

When I first approached the training department, I believe they thought I was suggesting some sort of intensive new training curriculum for “all things trans” that I wanted the crisis line and all of its independently affiliated call centers to adopt.  This is not the case. I think it can be as simple as a one sheet page of things to be mindful.  I think that there is probably a way of establishing that when a caller in crisis comes through that caller is immediately given the confidence that they will be treated with the dignity and lack of judgement that is their birthright. It is also important to find a solution to “neutralize” the negative impact that a callers perception of being “misgendered” might have on them. For those call centers (or individual counselors) who have difficulty using the caller’s prefered pronouns, a few tips for effective “gender neutral” communication would be extremely helpful.  It goes without saying that crisis counselors should not attempt to  ”counsel” the caller’s actual gender identity struggles.  I think a reminder in guidelines would be helpful.

I would like to work with others to put together such guidelines. I believe I can offer some valuable input, but I do not have the expertise to do this alone. Additionally this really needs to be put together by a diverse but unified group of stakeholders.  If anyone would like to assist me in this or has recommendations of people I can approach to partner with please let me know j@retransition.org.

There is no guarantee that the National Suicide Prevention Crisis Line would follow these guidelines—but I say it is at least worth a try and I believe these may be useful for other non LGBT-specific points of contact for people in crisis.

Also, I am hoping that some of the more prominent activists out there will build awareness that, yes, being referred to as one’s affirmed gender is important, getting “misgendered” is not the end of the world—especially in matters of life or death.  I believe that if the gravity and catastrophizing of getting “misgendered” was de-escalated a bit a lot of our trans family would find more wellness.

And speaking of “wellness”, there is one last point I want to make.  I have watched over the last ten years as the subject of “mental health” has been purposely driven from the larger conversation we are having about trans issues today. This is also happening at the therapeutic level—so many who express feelings of gender confusion actually lose potentially helpful psychological assistance because of the fear on the part of many providers that to dig a little deeper looking at and working through potential root causes for GID would be to dishonor their patient.  A false equivalence has been set up between the unspeakable and unnecessary damage done by so-called “reparative therapy” to some members of the LGB population with spending a little bit of time with a client presenting with gender identity issues to look for what really might be going on.  I believe that it is possible to live in a world where we acknowledge that being gender non-conforming is a perfectly valid (and quite possibly immutable) foundation of many people’s identities, while also recognizing that some cross-gender behavior and ruminations can also be a red flag for something much more serious going on in the background.

And that is the final point I want to make. We all know that the suicide rate (and the number of people who have at least contemplated it) is unacceptably high in the trans community.  A lot of this IS situational. The effects of bigotry and discrimination due have their cumalative toll and there is no doubt they have been a contributing factor to some trans people’s arrival at a place where they felt they truly had no more options. Again, practicing steps toward mental wellness can be helpful here, as well as the continued efforts to promote a more tolerant and compassionate world.  But I also strongly believe that there are also many deaths within our community that actually have little to do with being trans.  What makes me frustrated is that I believe that many of these are preventable, but because mental illness has now been deliberately stigmatized even further in the trans community than it is for the general population (where it already carries a huge stigma all on its own) these people are slipping through the cracks.

I say it is time to step forward to work toward building an environment that is safer for all and is even more respecting of everyone’s dignity. My fellow detransitioner thirdwaytrans is trying to untangle some of this in his website. Again, I know there are others out there (again, please let me know of any that you are familiar with.) In the coming days I too will be launching a website devoted to trans mental health based on some of what I have described here. It will be simple—it is just meant as another signpost for those who are struggling to find their way. In my case, my own path involved detransition, but I know this is certainly not for everyone so that is why I  am planning on this second site that only focuses on trans mental health.  My hope is to be one of many trans related sites that remind those who are suffering that we always have more options in life than we realize. We are never really “stuck” as long as we are here in this world alive today.

I hope you join me in this conversation.

Joel
Survivor

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Comments

  1. hearthrising says

    Substance abuse, particularly alcohol abuse, is a very high predictor of eventual suicide. In communities with high rates of suicide, there is usually a high rate of substance abuse. It’s a good place to start for people sincere in wanting to address the problem.

  2. Sally says

    Not only is it “not helpful” it is harmful in that it encourages this mindset that it is OK to express cross gender behavior because that is “normal”. News Flash Folks. It is not normal which is why most of society frowns on it.

    Encouraging those suffering some of the many types of gender confusion or variance to consider ‘transition’ is a recipe for disaster. Should anyone suggest caution, they are immediately condemned as “trans-phobic.

  3. Sally says

    I support World Suicide Prevention. That having been said, I am wondering if something is not being left out.

    ” ihave watched countless threads on internet forums where a gender questioning visitor (usually a young person or, increasingly, children) will ask if they should start the process of transition. In most of these threads a number of respondents (much older adults) will immediately tell that person that they will likely get to the same point that they themselves did – ready to get a gun out and pull the trigger”

    What I have found on innumerable trans* “support” sites is the following….

    Countless threads on internet forums where a gender questioning visitor (usually a young person or, increasingly, children) will ask if they should start the process of transition. In most of these threads a number of respondents (much older adults) will immediately tell that person that they will likely get to the same point that they themselves did, where they absolutely could not live in “boy-mode” any longer and that they were now “struggling” against all the bigotry and discrimination in order to realize their “true” feminine self.

    It is this hubristic projections of their own hapless situation onto young impressionable minds that so offends me. It actually encourages a mindless “transition” into victimhood.

    • Riccardo says

      Sally,they are adults and they gave these kind of advice??? Firstly, I do not think that a path is the same for all and I think Joel agrees with me. Second, an adult must be as a big brother/sister and must help others to avoid transition if it is possible, not encourage it. Third, suicide is the worst thing that a person in this condition can do. So, they maybe will do SRS and when they will be adult will do the same for other guys and so on…as a endlees loop.

      • Sally says

        Yes, Riccardo, I agree with you as well. These individuals tend to be in their 40’s and 50’s. Some are even in their 60’s. Calling them “adult” is a huge presumption in that being an adult usually means they have a modicum of intelligence and emotional maturity.

        Based on my observation the vast majority of those populating your typical trans* “support” site are cross dresser looking for affirmation that their AGP, or fetish, or erotic target location error is some “naturally ocuring” poorly defined and necessarily socially acceptable “condition” loosely describe as “transgenderism”.

        They have no business giving advice in that their own personal lives are usually in shambles. People like Joel or myself, who have actually LIVED the experience and lived to tell about it are demonized as haters or bigots or “trans*-phobes”.

        These guys think of their “transness” as some sort or third gender to be afforded special privilege, status and protection. On any given day the might claim to be either male or female….or both….or neither.

        They have no logical consequence yet they demand that society accept their dictates and determinations without question. They are the worst possible thing for those actually suffering from a real case of Transsexualism, (HBS), desperately in need of a medically assisted change of sex, or….those like Joel who would have been much better served by another much different therapeutic protocol. This is the problem with the “umbrella” mentality where “one size fits all”.

        Once again, let me be absolutely clear. This is just my own personal opinion based on my own personal experiences and observations.